I often find it hard to express myself. The word I would use is muted. Whether I’m depressed or manic, or even in a mixed state, it’s the same no matter what. The words just don’t come sometimes. It feels like I can’t tap into my language or expression center properly. As if my brain can’t connect with my emotions. At those times it’s like the elevator in my body can’t reach all of the floors. That’s the only way I can describe it. During periods of depression, I feel too blunted to find the words that correctly express the way I feel. So I often end up remaining silent. When I’m manic, I definitely can’t find the right words to convey my thoughts. My words are always jumbled due to the fact that my brain is going haywire. The thoughts are moving too quickly and all at once. So I end up speaking faster than I mean to, and saying things in ways that have unintended consequences. I hate it and yet I can’t seem to stop it.
It just always feels as though people don’t understand what I’m trying to say, no matter what state of mind I’m in. And it’s extremely frustrating. But the other day I came across an article about speech therapy for people with mental health issues. Right off the bat, the author mentioned that those with a mental illness often feel alienated from their peers due to an inability to communicate their thoughts and emotions effectively. I felt so relieved when I read this. I thought I was the only person that was affected by this and I’ve felt so ashamed for so long. I thought this was a personal flaw of mine, and yet another way in which I was somehow deficient. It made me feel so terrible. The article went on to state that speech language therapists help mentally ill individuals improve their communication skills and implement recovery plans in order to help make their speech more fluent and to help them express their truth and improve social skills. All of these are areas in which I could use assistance, and I feel empowered knowing there are professionals that can help in this way.
I recently stopped using social media because of this inability to communicate. I just couldn’t find the words to say what I felt, so I took a short break. But now after reading this, I have hope. I am looking forward to finding a speech language therapist in my area to work with in order to begin to tackle some of my communication and social skills issues. And I hope it will make me feel less anxious about expressing myself no matter what mental state I am in or what mental health challenges I face. And now I don’t feel so different or afraid.

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